Politics

Anatomy of a president

Anatomy of a president

It’s time to talk 2016. Clearly after the Democrat Shutdown fiasco, Americans will be eager to elect a Republican, any Republican who did not help Obama break the government.

That being said, we must remember that 2016 is eons away and the memory of the American person is short (unless the name is Bush).

So let’s take a look at our potential 2016 line-up, throw in a few vintage pieces for flair, and see what characteristics the ideal candidate would possess:

John Boehner’s baditude- Lots of people hate John Boehner. Some simply don’t like him. But when you think what he’s been through, what he’s up against, not to mention the fact that he shared one bathroom with his eleven siblings in a two-bedroom house growing up, he’s not that bad. Even if he doesn’t always deliver, he has that stern, grumpy, don’t mess expression down pat. It can be very intimidating.

Rick Perry’s charisma- (and his accent). If I had my way, the 2016 presidential candidate would just be Rick Perry, the whole package. But I never get my way. There is, however, an undeniable charm about Texans. They’re fun, with just the right hint of arrogance. George W., for all his “gaffes,” was loveable, and no other president would be a better guest at a BBQ picnic. It is a truth universally acknowledged. What Perry brings to the table, other than the look of a rugged Marlboro man, is that honest, look-you-in-the-eye-and-then-wink kind of spunk that the presidential election needs so desperately.

Ted Cruz’s name- Ted Cruz is fab, but I have trouble envisioning him shaking hands with and kissing the babies of people who are not 125% against Obamacare. But……..there is his name: A fine mixture of classic Americana (The Teddy Bear!), and some Spanish exoticism to make him diverse. Plus it’s short and sweet and just brimming with puns.

Paul Ryan’s soulfulness- Those eyes. Remember how sincere he seemed/was during the last presidential election? We need more of that. He’s a good ole’ boy and from the Mid-West so everyone knows he’s wholesome and has nothing up his sleeve.

Newt Gingrich’s brain- It’s hard to separate Newt from his brain. He may actually be one big brain. P.J. O’Rourke, who is never wrong about anything, said last time that, “Gingrich is clearly the smartest man in the room.” We’ll take that.

Marco Rubio’s Latin fire- When Rubio speaks, he animates his whole head back and forth to emphasize what he is saying. He also uses his hands a lot to get his point across. He is a very energetic speaker and talks quickly, as one tends to do when one is fired up and passionate about an issue. Like Ricky Ricardo. It’s engaging and never dull. Fuego!

Chris Christie’s brashness- Boston, New York, and New Jersey make up a large portion of the liberal voting block. Christie appeals to them, and Republicans appreciate the way he spells things out in plain English: “If you’re sick, take your sick day. If you don’t take your sick day, know what your reward is? You weren’t sick – that was the reward.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Chris.

Tom Cotton’s background- Cotton, representative from Arkansas, is an Army vet and lawyer. He was a private practice attorney before enlisting and served a tour in Afghanistan. He achieved the rank of Captain, and then returned home to work on his family’s cattle farm. Can we say bases covered?

Rand Paul’s quirk- Remember Aqua Buddha? Rand probably wishes we didn’t but…there it is. He’s still a little boyish. A little playful. Nothing bad, but there’s certainly some unorthodox granola going on there. I can totally see him joining in some hippie commune, passing a pipe, and discussing the beauty of the free market. It would be a beautiful thing.

Mitt Romney’s look- People were frustrated and all that when Romney lost the election. But it wasn’t his fault. It was yours for not voting for him. Anyway, say what you will about Willard, the man is beautiful. Clean-cut, polished, with just a touch of grey (energy + experience!), he is basically a Brooks Brothers model who’ll pose for L.L. Bean when need be. He looks presidential, in a pure, 1950s kind of way.

Teresa Mull is the managing editor of Human Events. 

Sign Up
DISQUS COMMENTS

FACEBOOK COMMENTS

Comment with Facebook