Social & Domestic Issues

Five things that need to stop

Five things that need to stop

American culture began its decline with the feminist movement and continues its decay in the form of Miley Cyrus and Twitter. (Together they may very well destroy what’s left of Western Civilization).

There are ways, though, that we as red-blooded patriots can fight against the noxious influences that have besieged our society and get it back on the right path that is apple pie and Jimmy Stewart.

Here are five things (as a start) that need to cease being:

The excessive use of the word “grab”

Or maybe just the word “grab” altogether. It’s very much in vogue these days: “Hey let’s grab a coffee sometime.” “How about getting together to grab lunch next week?” “Let’s grab a taxi and meet him there.” I actually heard a man with my own ears in real life say, “Yeah, let’s grab some time next week to talk about that.” My ears bled.

Not only is the word “grab” an unpleasant sound, it brings with it offensive associations. It implies that the thing being taken into possession is seized forcibly and with haste, making for a rushed, ravenous luncheon, or a frenzied, messy coffee break.

Neither represent geniality.

“Grab” is used these days to invoke a sense of informal laid-backness, (dictionary.com calls it “slang”) whence the death of manners begins. Plus, it reminds me of a Go-Gurt (the “Grab-n-Go Yogurt”) commercial in which children clutch tubes of yogurt with such aggressiveness that slurpy old milk squirts out the top. Gross.

Amusement park culture

Amusement parks are not only a pointless danger to physical well-being, their existence also perpetuates a culture that places high value on cheap thrills.

What’s amusing about putting yourself in harm’s way for the sake of fear? Is the fun part wasting hours of life melting in long lines at the peak of summer with other sweaty people who transmit germs and sticky stuff onto a ride that you get to “enjoy” for 90 seconds, before you go stand in another line for upwards of an hour?

At least when you’re in a fast car danger is for the sake of fun and looking cool. There’s nothing remotely cool about being strapped in a land-floaty with your feet dangling helplessly. Not to mention what such activity does to your hair and dignity. (Someone had the bright idea to capture the face you make in mid-scream on camera for all to see.)

Coffee-stirrers

If you’re not for us, you’re against us. If you’re not improving society, you’re impeding it. Coffee stirrers, in particular the plastic kind, might be an impediment to America planted by a young Vladimir Putin during the Cold War to bring down hot drinks and progress.

They look like little straws, hollow in the middle, but they are about as useless for drinking through as they are for stirring with. And no one straw-drinks hot coffee. They are so small that the weight of the current caused by stirring the liquid threatens to carry them away like a floating stick in a great whirlpool, unless you hold onto them firmly with your little pinchers.

And they don’t stir very well. They require concentration and so many passes back and forth that it just becomes tedious. Ever tried to mix sediment from the bottom of a cup with a plastic coffee stirrer? It’s comparable to the efficiency of scraping algae off the floor of an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a stiff spaghetti noodle.

Also they melt.

Self-checkout machines

Another impediment to progress, probably planted by one on our enemies list.

Cashiering oneself through a self-checkout machine takes at least twice as long as letting a cashier check you out. First of all there is a robot woman who talks to you the whole time and who yells out the price of your items for all to hear. (The essence of impropriety.)

Then she usually takes forever to acknowledge that you have placed the item in the bag, and squawks repeatedly that you need assistance. (No, SHE needs assistance!) You look around helplessly and your blood pressure continues to rise as you notice the ex-cashier-turned-self-checkout-attendant is attending to someone else.

Is self-checkout meant to make us feel independent? It always makes me feel needy and frustrated. It’s like going to a car service place and trying to change the oil yourself, only to have the seasoned mechanic stand over you and tell you what to do while you fumble at half speed. Come on.

Wings culture

Not to rain on the parade of sports bars everywhere or anything, but the ceremony of wings is overrated.

You’re basically taking the least desirable part of the chicken, deep-frying it, and making the act of licking sauce off fatty bones (whilst getting it all over your face and hands) an occasion worth celebrating. Not to mention the number of wings that must be consumed in order to make any impact on a famished stomach. They are unhealthy and messy and vulgar, oh my!

To be continued…

Teresa Mull is the managing editor of Human Events. 

 

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  • granny fuciturd

    you can add gay culture,anal sex,electronic obsession, overuse of the word epic oh and fail

  • autdrew

    That was funny! Especially the coffee stir sticks. I’ll keep my occasional wings tho

  • David Atherton

    Lets grab some wings on the way to the amusement park. Get a life and try to solve some REAL problems. Five things that need to stop: Government overreach, people who think they know what others need and want, violence, terrorism, and liberal indoctrination of our children. Solve these problems and we’ll address your quirky complaints.

  • Quinnman73

    And get of my lawn Dammit!!!

  • OwlCreekObserver

    My most recent experience with culture killing was when I received an automated call from Dish Network asking me to complete a survey regarding a recent service call. After introducing itself, the voice said, “To continue in English, please press one.” That’s when I hung up.

  • PuddleSnake

    Funny read but dang, sounds like Teresa’s binky might be in the wash today?

    Grumpy is no way to go through life. ;)

  • RenegadeScholar

    You’re basically taking the least desirable part of the chicken

    You’re from the wrong part of the world. I always go for the wings FIRST. They make great broth, too.

  • Erick Athey

    Amen David. I like Teresa’s “The week that was” articles but this was reminiscent of what my sister wrote in her diary when she was 13 years old. I’ll grant Teresa the superior writing skills, but holy cow. After the last few weeks we’ve had, this is what’s on your mind?? Leave the chicken wings out of it!

  • Jim_Simson

    Wouldn’t life be great if these five thing were the major concerns of the day.

  • David Michael

    Huh? Did someone pay this person to write this? I hate amusement parks, but I’m getting old. I used to enjoy them, so did my kids, and if people now want to stand in line for an hour and sweat until they can be scared to death for 90 seconds, more power to them. I love wings. Not the hundred different sauce types, but real honest to goodness Buffalo Wings, as I found them when working in western NY in 1986. Grab? That’s so random. It’s the latest slang. Far out. Cool. Heavy. I can dig it. Let’s do lunch okay?

  • BryBaby59

    She’s being silly. Sort of Erma Bombeck-like.

  • TenFace

    I can’t believe HE put this mindless rant up. Mrs Mull if you don’t like wings, don’t get them. If you don’t enjoy amusement parks, don’t go to them. If you’re too simple to use a self-checkout machine don’t use them. Why do these things need to stop just because you don’t like them? That how liberals think, not conservatives. I suggest you grab some time and take a deep breath.

  • LakeWorthCane

    I’d like to do away with the words “shocking” and “revolution.” They’ve both been misused and overused to the point that they’ve both lost their meaning. Very little genuinely “shocks” me anymore, and most of the “revolutions,” and their attendant “revolutionaries,” are faux and, therefore, respectively boring and bored.

  • Reilly Flaherty

    Going to have to agree with everything except the self-checkout…those are awesome and I don’t have to wait in line usually. It’s like an uber express lane.

  • Tom Sporman

    Is anybody as irked with word(phrase, exclamation,ejaculatory….) awesome as I am? In most of my hearing of this trite word; it is used as some form of “Managerial Speak” in retail.

  • george

    i am a fast self checkout person.

  • Christopher Johns

    “Cashiering oneself through a self-checkout machine takes at least twice as long as letting a cashier check you out. ” What? Seriously? At this point, I *only* shop at places with self check out. It is tons faster and I’m in control of the entire process. Gets me to the bar faster for my wings.

    Also, Adam Carolla had that near exact rant on coffee stirrers years ago.

  • etlib

    Amusement parks and roller coasters are an aid to health and long life. I’m over 70 and ride as often as I can. I Always ask for Six Flags and Cedar Fair annual passes at Christmas.

  • etlib

    Wings, the hotter the better are also an aid to good health and long life (see above)

  • CORMAC___NJ

    “Amusement parks are not only a pointless danger to physical well-being,
    their existence also perpetuates a culture that places high value on
    cheap thrills.”

    Cheap? Either the author hasn’t actually visited an amusement park since the 80s, or is just a rich snob. I suspect the latter based on the whiny writing style and over-sensitivity to all things visceral.

    In fact the whole piece reads like the griping of a 13-year-old girl going through a phase in which everything is “gross” and “icky.”

    Listen Teresa, grow up and stop being grossed out by everything that isn’t powder-dry and princess-perfect. Someday you might even learn to like being kissed by a boy!

    In the meantime I’ll try to figure out why Human Events ran this piece in the first place.

  • KPC

    That’s much better than being a half fast self checkout person.

  • markinalpine

    The spirit of Andy Rooney lives! Damn it!!

  • abc2xyz

    There is no surer sign of decay in a country than to see the rites of religion held in contempt.
    Machiavelli

  • TK

    Actually I liked her article. It was amusing. Nothing too political nor too serious, but it made me laugh. Hey, isn’t that what we readers should get, something to laugh about?

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    Your lamp for eluding the dark and despotic march of most of mankind: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0094KY878

  • Socialism is Organized Evil

    Reject the despot’s designs for desolation and tyranny: http://www.savageleft.com/resources/beacon.html

  • Danny Meeker

    Somewhere Andy Rooney is in his grave & complaining about this column.

  • ITTTY IT

    SOME MORE THINGS that NEED to STOP:

    Alzheimer’s ‘friendly’ CHEM-trails

    AUTISM ‘friendly’ VAC–scenes

    Monsanto GMO —’food’—-

    LED exterminist bio-metrics surveillance lighting

    HD mind control screens in social gathering places

    CCTVs and the microwave furnace generally

  • HomesickExWasillan

    I disagree on self-checkout. I know lots of people have problems with it, but I sail right through. (I also cuss the bossy voice under my breath…)