Yesterday's Top Stories

The week that was

The week that was

“I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.” – Hunter S. Thompson

This week, President Obama lost a war which didn’t involve any fighting. He surrendered to Congress and gave a concession speech and everything. Secretary of State John Kerry made some empty threats of “unbelievably small strikes” to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad which, for some reason, didn’t faze him. Instead, Assad said Syria will give up control of its chemical weapons because Vladimir Putin’s smooth diplomatic negotiations were too much for him to resist. Then Obama took credit for them.

Wednesday marked the 12th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks. The American Muslim Political Action Committee thought organizing a demonstration they originally called the “Million Muslim March” would be a touching tribute to the victims, but grew afraid that this name might scare people off, and so ended up calling it the “Million American March Against Fear.” An FDR impersonator showed up. Also, about 75,000 bikers who hate fear appeared in D.C., too.

News came out this week that IRS director Lois the not-so-slow Lerner learned of the targeting of Tea Party organizations as far back as 2011. This contradicts what Lerner said before: that she first learned of the IRS targeting of conservative groups when the story broke in newspapers earlier this year. Never fear. Given the old idiom that “What difference does it make!” Lerner has been given a wagged finger and a nice, long, paid vacation.

For those Homo sapiens who didn’t get the memo back in 200,000 B.C., Michelle Obama is now telling people that they should drink water. The First Lady visited Watertown, Wisconsin to encourage people, the water intake of whom she knows NOTHING, to drink “at least one more glass a day.” She and her White House team advise us to drink the recommended amount of water per day. Except that there isn’t one. Perhaps the new suggested amount of water is just, “one more glass.” This could cause a drought.

Citizens of Colorado came out and voted to recall two state senators whose gun control laws the constituents found objectionable. The decision was supposed to be determined by an old-fashioned, Wild West shootout in the streets, but neither of the Democrats showed up when they learned their magazines would be limited to 15 cartridges.

California Gov. Jerry Brown was sent a bill by the Assembly which would allow illegal immigrants to receive driver’s licenses in the state. The plan is to make the process even easier for illegals when they come to the polls to vote.

Tim Tebow’s nicest guy in the world/visits sick kids in hospitals/never complains/always upbeat/generous to the max persona has long been polarizing the country, half of which finds his behavior offensively alien. To amend this, KISS front-man Gene Simmons, AKA, “The Demon,” came to Tebow’s defense because of his expertise on non-controversial imagery.

And let’s all cheer for Miss Kansas Theresa Vail at the Miss America pageant this weekend. Though her tattoos and platform don’t really compute, she is a vocal supporter of the NRA. And a blonde. The two best things a girl can be.

Teresa Mull is the managing editor of Human Events. 

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