Yesterday's Top Stories

The week that was

The week that was

Summer is fading as fast as American culture. Let’s see what we have left while we still can!

Wednesday marked the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. President Obama marked the occasion by announcing that he, too, has a dream: of war with Syria.

Speaking of Syria, Obama has realized that al Qaeda is in fact “on the run,” and is now hoofing it in our direction. By backing the Muslim Brotherhood, Barry O. has whole-heartedly embraced the tactic of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!”

It has been revealed that in many places throughout the United States, being on welfare pays better than working, substantiating once and for all the age-old conception of “when in doubt, do nothing.”

Newark Mayor Cory Booker is sparking discussion about his sexuality by refusing to talk about it. His best bet would be to claim he’s gay no matter what. This strategy would win him a few more votes for his senate run from fellow gays and from those who want to appear open-minded and tolerant. Furthermore, should he win his senate seat, future blunders are more likely to be straightened-out in the minds of the open-minded and tolerant people.

Miley Cyrus decided to take up the sexuality issue because Cory Booker refused. She demonstrated the sexual behavior of both man and woman, as well as some bestiality for good measure to the audience of the MTV Video Music Awards and to viewers watching from home. People were outraged at her behavior because she was dancing with a man who is not her fiancé.

Welsh actress and super-gorgeous person Catherine Zeta-Jones is separating from husband of 13 years, Michael Douglas, proving what we all knew- that a relationship composed of disproportionate beauty is not meant to be.

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