Yesterday's Top Stories

The week that was

The week that was

Summer is fading, but President Obama has promised to delay winter until 2015. While many continue to lounge on seashores far from the real world, here is a recap of what has happened in it during the past week:

Big Brother is getting less and less like the Big Brother who used to watch you, and more and more like the creepy stalker or mistrustful girlfriend who rummages through your private documents. The NSA, according to the findings of an audit, violated privacy rules or overstepped its legal authority 2,776 times since 2008. Let’s hope this at least leads to more oustings of Carlos Danger-type comms. (Yes, he’s back in the headlines.)

Egypt is in turmoil as thousands of Muslim Brotherhood supporters storm the streets of Cairo protesting the removal of President Mohamed Morsi. A month-long state of emergency has been declared and more than 200 are now dead. Obama issued a statement from Martha’s Vineyard where he is currently vacationing, saying, “the Egyptian people deserve better.” The attitude of the White House is, when at first democracy doesn’t succeed, try, try again.

Pfc. Bradley Manning, the infamous WikiLeaker, has made an apology and said he hopes he will be granted “the opportunity to prove, not through words, but through conduct, that I am a good person and that I can return to a productive place in society.” Turns out Manning “was dealing with a lot of issues” during his time as Julian Assange’s accomplice, and couldn’t decide whether he wanted to send 700,000 military reports to the enemy as a man or a woman.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials were overwhelmed this week as hundreds of illegal aliens appeared all at once across the Mexican border, claiming asylum. Taxpayers paid to rent out hotel rooms to accommodate the overflow, and some illegals were “released to cities around the U.S.” In related news, the government has finally admitted that Area 51 exists, solving our problem of where to stash all the aliens.

A rodeo clown dressed in an Obama mask has been banned from the Missouri state fair, even though the presidential-impersonator has a higher approval rating than the real Commander-in-Chief. Rep. Steve Stockman from Texas (where else?) said liberals could all go to hell, and the rodeo clown could come to Texas, to perform in his district. “Liberals want to bronco bust dissent,” Stockman (yes, his name is really “Stockman”!) said. Texas forever!

And on the bright side, Kanye West was booed at an LA Dodgers game he was attending with his baby Mama, Kim Kardashian, proving that there are still pockets of good judgment and discriminating taste left in America.

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