Try Showing a Little Cleavage: Final Advice for the ’99 Percent’ Movement’

Part Three of our helpful advice to the ‘I am the 99 percent/occupy wall street’ movement. We are givers. Also see Part One: Ditch the Coke Nail and Part Two: Some Dreams Just Need Killing.


I am a young man, a person of conscience, an American tired of being one brick of countless bricks upon which this indecent edifice sways; committing violences to which I will ultimately have to answer for, though they be not of my volition, made guilty before I’d uttered my first words.

I am so angry. I am the 99%

Dear Commits Violences:

While your Pink-wannabe, inane and insane ‘free verse’ may impress your fellow travelers/criminals, it does not impress us. In fact, since we are sane it, you know, frightens us. Only a true sociopath would think that one who commits violences [sic] is at the same time a ‘person of conscience’. But, of course you are blameless, right? Because you say you commit these violences [sic] not of your own volition. Which is ironic, since our advice is that you be commited not of your own volition. And fast.

Also, are you in Seattle perchance? No particular reason we wish to know this …

Officers had been given a composite sketch of the suspect and detectives learned he had been at Westlake Park taking part in the Occupy Seattle protests.

The man is accused of exposing himself three times on Sept. 29 — once in Crown Hill, once near Alki Beach, and a third time on Capitol Hill. Three days later, he was spotted at Pinehurst Playfield near Northgate, and then again on Oct. 3 at the Lakeside soccer field in North Seattle.


I have a Master of Arts degree in Women’s Studies. However, the only job I can find is as a bartender at a local restaurant. I owe over 60k in student loans. I am forced to rely on food stamps and W.I.C. to support my son. Is this the “American Dream” I worked so hard for? I am the 99 percent!

Dear Feminist Failure,

Wait, you’re telling us that mastering the intersectional analysis of patriarchal oppression didn’t result in an avalanche of lucrative job offers? Who could’ve seen that coming?

But we’re a bit confused about your financial woes. Every bartender we know pulls in great tip money working even fewer hours than the average feminist activist.

Just a guess, but maybe your customers are put off by your “I had an abortion” t-shirt and “I heart Rachel Maddow” button?

Here’s our advice: Stop regaling bar patrons with tragic tales of phallocratic hegemony and try showing a little cleavage. Oh, and just FYI, tweezers aren’t just for splinters–they work on eyebrows too. If all else fails, get in the kitchen and make your customer a sammich.

Tip city, baby!


Dear Crime Conundrum Redux:

We offered you, Ms. ‘Crime Conundrum’, some advice a few weeks ago wherein we suggested that your feild [sic] must not be English. We further suggested that if you are hell bent on a life of crime, you should choose the former option, as the latter doesn’t seem like it would be a profitable path.

You neither heeded nor appreciated our advice, evidently. In fact, you were quite upset that your ‘internet fame’ wasn’t to your liking.  So you blogged about it; you know, so as to avoid further ‘internet fame.’ Sigh. Smart decisions are hard.

Most people who are familiar with my blog, me, or the Occupy Wall Street movement in general will know that I submitted THIS picture (http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/post/10946201803) to WeAreThe99Percent’s Tumblr.

I recognize that I switched the i and the e in field. If you want to sit there and lie to yourself and say that you’ve never done that, go ahead. But I wasn’t going to go through all the trouble to take it down, rewrite the sign, re-upload it, and then still probably catch hate for people that center their lives around looking for it.

This picture has created a small explosion on the Internet.

A friend posted a link on my Facebook to a random website which included my picture. A Google search yielded over 2 million results. Seriously. Google “toughest decision now is whether to sell drugs or my body.” You will find it. Among those who repost the picture are my very first official haters! They include a white supremacist blog and a conservative hate-mongering Ann Coulter vehicle. Both sites tell me that they’d rather I sell drugs considering the look of my body (which they do not see, because the picture is only of my face).

Oh, sweetie. You merely validated our point. Only a total spoiled brat slacker would be all giddy and vapors-like over being ‘internet famous.’ And only a total entitlement-riddled sloth would find the oh-so-arduous task of re-writing three sentences and a lame one line slogan to be an insurmountable, Herculean effort (you may not understand the Hercules reference, being that English was clearly not your feild [sic] of study).

Nice touch calling HUMAN EVENTS a ‘hate-mongering Ann Coulter vehicle’, though, and equating us with white supremacists. Because, of course – Racism ™. By the way, we needed only to see the face to suggest skipping the selling of your body plans. The overhead for paper bags alone would be cost-prohibitive.

You then went on to suggest that anyone who claims to never have messed up (only you said it super classy-like) the five letter word FIELD can just ‘come at me.’ Yeah, no thanks. See above.


I am a senior at a top fashion school in New York City. My dream job is to do editorial at a major publication like Vogueor Elle.  Even though I am qualified, I can’t afford my dream because it only pays $30,000/yr (or even less starting out). Because girls from very affluent families want to work at magazines, Daddy continues to pay her bills and expenses (even though they aren’t all necessarily qualified for the positions) and magazines don’t need to increase their salaries.  My parents have “white collar” jobs, but based on principle, won’t pay for anything after I graduate. Living in new york is expensive: my box (apartment) is $1,700/month and to dress like I belong at Vogue is too. I’d have to waitress to make ends meet (and have no life) or (ironically) date a Wall St guy (the norm), but I’d rather OCCUPY WALL ST than date it.

I cannot afford to work in my industry.

I am the 99%.
occupywallst.org

Dear Devil Who Can’t Wear Prada,

We’re sure your comrades’ hearts are heavy with the sad news that an entry level editorial job won’t leave you with $1,700 a month to spruce up your Louboutin collection. How can you be expected to face the cold, cruel world without shiny new David Yurman bangles on your arm? How will you face … yourself?

We bet you’d just die of embarrassment if Anna Wintour ever caught you fetching her assistant’s assistant coffee while wearing a little black dress from Kohl’s. Or worse, Marshalls. Oh, the horror!

You are truly the 99%.

And by that, we mean you are truly a self-absorbed brat with an almost comically inflated sense of entitlement.

$30,000 a year from your hypothetical dream job won’t feed your fashion habit, moonlighting as a waitress is time-consuming and beneath you, and you’re not quite resigned to becoming a sugar baby, so you’re going to … occupy Wall Street?

Is it the ‘banksters’ coming between you and your Calvins?

No, of course not. It’s your unwillingness to do what countless twenty-somethings do while establishing their careers: split the rent with a roommate or two and hit the thrift shops and eBay for an affordable work wardrobe.

So, sugar daddy it is! We doubt many Wall Street professionals would suffer your puerile nonsense, but we’re certain there’s a trustafarian in Zuccotti Park just waiting to serenade you with his bongos.


I am 25 years old.

Very lucky to have a college degree and no debt.

But my career is in progressive politics — working for labor unions, campaigns and nonprofits — and I can’t afford to make ends meet in a Big City, on the $30,000 average salaries these jobs pay. Now I’m 1000s in credit card debt.

How can young people like me change the world, stand up for what we believe in, and still get ahead?

I am the 99%.  #occupywallstreet

Dear Can’t Budget or Keep Story Straight:

Your scrawly screed is different than your typed out Tumblr manifesto. Weren’t pleased with the first result so you tried to whip it up some with a more pathetic stick? All you did was further prove that cognitive skills aren’t your strong suit – if that wasn’t evident enough by the fact that you work in ‘progressive politics’. Oh, my sides! The irony! And not in the hipster way.

You see, you can’t both be lucky to ‘have no debt’ and also have ’1000s in credit card debt.’ Guess what credit card debt is? DEBT. If you ‘can’t make ends meet’ what in the hell made you think that you could pay back money that you charged up on credit cards? We are to feel sorry for you because you overspent and lived outside your means?

Further, if $30,000 a year – for a single broad – doesn’t cut it in ‘the big city’ then don’t, you know, live in the big city. Because it most certainly cuts it most everywhere else. Sure, you maybe can’t buy every single new iPhone that comes out immediately, but that shouldn’t be a problem for you – surely you don’t wish to line the pockets of fat cat corporations or – the horror – Banksters. Total down twinkles!

You say that you are choosing to dedicate your early career to progressive politics and causes. That implies that you do not plan to do that for your entire career (hence the ‘early’ part). Here’s a novel idea – if those jobs don’t ‘cut it’ for you, then stop dedicating your early career to them. Problem solved, cupcake! Of course, that would entail doing something with an actual purpose and not just a means to pat yourself on your oh-so-smug back. Look at me! I’m so special! Praise me for being dedicated to ’causes’! I’m trying to change the world and stuff! From my Tumblr.

Grow up, get a real job and stop buying stuff you can’t afford. Lose the sign and start living in the real world, removed from your perpetual childhood-ridden ‘progressive politics’ ivory tower. A little less whinies and a little more thinkies. Maybe then you will realize that ‘progressive politics’ are the cause of our problems and not the solution. I’m sure they teach you that theory in your Smug ™ non-profit training: “If you aren’t a part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.’

There. ‘Change the world’ that way instead of your usual circle jerk of mental masturbation and self-congratulation with your fellow travelers . That’s a real teachable moment for you, sugar.


I AM A FELON

I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE

I AM A SINGLE UNEMPLOYED GRANDMOTHER RAISING MY GRANDSON, ALONE

I AM BROKE!

WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M THINKING ABOUT . . . .

I AM THE 99%

Dear Gangsta Grandma,

Oooh! A guessing game! Despite the lack of a question mark at the end of your question, we’ll play along.

Hmm, what could you be thinking about? Here are a few possibilities. Tell us if we’re warm.

* You’re thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
      (Uh, 6?)
* You’re wondering whether “Masters Degree” has an apostrophe.
      (It does.)
* You’re thinking of cutting a punctuation-correcting bitch.
      (We’d like to see you try.)

Hold on, we’ve got it! You’re thinking you can intimidate us into embracing lefty agendas with threats of rape, murder, and robbery, right?

Have you been chatting with Joe Biden again? Next you’ll wish we had ‘some notion‘ of what it’s like to be one of your victims. Admit it, the VP put you up to this. Either that or you’re stealing his shtick.

Careful with that. Biden can get pretty huffy.


I’m a 27 year old working professional with a master’s degreeand $50k in student loan debt. I now make $14 per hour- how can I be a good therapist to your children when I can’t pay attention due to extreme financial stress?

I haven’t had health insurance since August 2010 and am thankful that I have been relatively healthy since additional medical bills are definitely not in the budget!!

Dear Please Turn Yourself Into Child Protective Services:

Um. There is so much wrong here that we don’t even know where to start. Perhaps we’ll start with this: choosing to get a Master’s Degree and go $50,000 into debt only to enter into a career that pays $14 an hour was your choice. Did someone force you to obtain a worthless Master’s Degree in what we can only assume is Psychology or ‘Childhood Development and Therapy’ or some such nonsense by gunpoint? We think not, unless Joe Biden was around.

You probably request that your creditors put ‘trigger warning’ on your bills or you curl up into the fetal position because you feel they are ‘bullying’ you or whatever the latest ‘I’m just a victim’ trend is that you were taught in your classes. Just blaming mommy for not letting you lick the cake bowl is so old school. Clearly you chose the nebulous ‘therapy’ or glorified guidance counselor field because you couldn’t do the work required to become a Psychiatrist – which is a real shame. At least that way you could prescribe yourself some much needed ‘medication’.

Because, did you really just admit that you do not pay attention to the children to whom you are supposed to be providing therapy? You are being paid to do a job that you admit you are not doing. Worse, you are harming children by selfishly worrying more about things caused by your own poor decisions than treating them. Way to be For The Children (TM)! You know how you can be a ‘good therapist’? By not being a therapist.

Therapist, heal thyself.


I’m 24.
I’m passionate.
I’m spunky.
I’m creative.
I’m a digital marketer.
I’m jobless.

99%, y’all.

Dear Spunky Huckster,

Whoa, hold on. Give us a minute to take all that in. Passion, spunk, and creativity? How is it that a triple threat like you isn’t steamrolling her way to the top of the digital marketing field?

The thing is, we think you might be taking the whole “creative” thing a little too far. When someone is ‘jobless,’ it’s generally understood to mean she has no job. Since you’re a woman who has a job, describing yourself as ‘jobless’ strikes us as a bit of a stretch.

Unless, of course, you’re using ‘spunky’ to mean ‘lying liar who lies.’ What creativity!

Maybe you shouldn’t have submitted your fictional ‘We Are The 99 Percent’ sob story from a Tumblr account that’s linked to your entire social media footprint, including your work history. And does your recent post on Google+ ring a bell?

my work moved me into a new office

You see, someone who gets a ‘new office’ at ‘work’ isn’t actually … wait for it … jobless. Here’s a radical suggestion for the future: if you can’t stop yourself from lying to support a lefty revolution, you might want to make it a little harder to get caught. Start by sweeping up the digital breadcrumbs leading right to your iDoor. Hey, you’re a ‘digital marketer’ and self-proclaimed ‘social media gal.’ Should be a piece of cake!

p.s. You’ve got great hair! We’d ask you what your secret is, but getting the truth out of you seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

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  • Fred, Wa State

    My dream job is to do editorial at a major publication like Vogueor Elle.  Living in new york is expensive:

    Perhaps if you learn that Vogueor is not one word, and to capitalize proper names, the fashion magazines might be more inclined to hire you.

  • Niniane

    “My parents have “white collar” jobs, but based on principle, won’t pay for anything after I graduate.” Dear Fashionista: Apparently mommy and daddy are being driven broke by your education and demands for a fancy “life”. Heaven forbid having to be a waitress to make ends meet! You could look into working for the city sanitation department as I am sure they pay much more, and really don’t give a damn how you dress when you are out driving the garbage truck — just think the service it would be to society to clean up the mess you and your comrade protestors leave behind.

  • bigdaddyel

    In fairness to Obama, recessions are not the result of a single factor. They
    are impacted by declining stock markets, a surge in energy prices, higher
    interest rates, high-tech bubbles collapsing, and terrorist attacks (all of
    which also occurred during W’s first year). And it’s easy to forget, but until
    the housing bubble disaster, the first six years of W’s 8 years broke records
    for positive growth. The American economy created more jobs than all the
    countries in the Euro zone and Japan combined by 2006 and the economy grew
    faster than that of any major industrial nation during that same six years, with
    an unemployment rate of 4.7%. And that’s without the benefit of the dot com
    bubble that occurred during Clinton’s tenure.

  • bigdaddyel

    This commentary is the funniest I have read in more than a year.  So on target.  Brilliant.

  • planeboy

    Drive by drivel….

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3UHA6SADDERECMHQTUGGRYOAPE montegoblack

    How come there not mad at their overpriced education and the degree that gets them no job. When will they hold academia accountable?

  • fmike15

    I’m wondering who convinced all these people that they needed a college education. Probably their ex-hippie  high school teachers. If these 99% idiots had learned a trade instead of getting a toilet paper degree, they would all have nice high paying jobs and we wouldn’t have to look overseas for skilled workers.

  • http://twitter.com/snarkandboobs Lori Z

    Oh my! Thankies! We appreciate it very much, truly.

  • sim427

    …play like a good boy

    in traffic.

  • sim427

    So glad I caught this OP!  Thanks for the laughs and keep it up ladies!

  • John Keck

    I graduated with a B.A. in history, and came THIS CLOSE to an M.A, with no student loan debt, working 35-40 hours per week while carrying 18-21 hours per semester. When I left college, there were no history jobs lying around, so I worked low-paying retail jobs, lived in an apartment in a bad neighborhood, and lived on Ramen noodles, frozen pizza, and the occasional meal at my parents’ or grandparents’.  When the tech boom hit, I moved 1200 miles away to take a help desk job paying $8.50/hr.  I worked my way up to management, got married, and had two kids, with whom my now ex-wife left me a few years later.  I then pursued and received my M.B.A., with no student loan debt.  I am now a well-compensated subject matter expert in my field with two bright and well-adjusted children, because I WORKED to get there and I QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT.

    Oh, and I have never spelled “field” as “feild” in my entire life.

    I AM THE 53%.

  • llp41
  • B B

    Gosh. I’m 53 now. I went back to college when I was 27 and had 2 kids and a wife to feed. I worked at a pizza place part time, and then my wife and I shared a part time job there. When I graduated I had 3 kids. Then I got a job and have held it ever since. As long as I make money for the company, I will stay employed. They will cut the slackers and trolls first. I wish there had been a OWS party when I was younger. I could be living on my aged mother’s SS now. What a maroon I was!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-West/100000403288778 John West

    On the other hand ….. there are those with stories like mine and I believe that would be the majority.

    I am 68 years old.
    I did not complete high school.
    I am a libertarian/objectivist and always have been.
    I have a funny name and a bit of brown face, that didn’t help me early on before multi cult.
    Nevertheless, my life has been fun and interesting.
    I avoided post secondary education so I did not feel that I was owed.
    And …. I passed those savings along to my customers later on.

    Imagine the above hand-written sloppily on lined paper with spelling errors.

    I am not a 99er nor a 1% er.  I have always been a self-reliant person and a bit of a loner in some respects. Here’s my story ….. it starts in a small Northern Ontario Canada town. If you think that isn’t a handicap, you should try living in such a place and see what sort of opportunities are available. NONE, especially back in the fifties when I was a kid.

    In high school (1957 -1962) I majored in looking out the window. The only subject I liked other than science, was music. I learned to play the saxophone, dropped out of high school, joined a rock band and went on the road. That was 1962. I didn’t make much money, but had a good time and loved it. 

    I migrated to the USA for more musical opportunities. Twelve years later, (1974) I had took a machinist course to help me chop motorcycles for fun. That led to a job in the tool and dye industry for a brief time. I played music at night so was free to take courses or play with motorcycles all day. I never complained about having no money, but was starting to be concerned about it. At the age of 31 years I had nothing. I blamed myself for my own choices. My parents had little to do with my upbringing, but they were okay folks who provided room and board and a couple of brothers when I was a kid … the rest was up to me.

    Over the next few years I did a variety of low-end jobs to get by. That was horrid, but I did learn a lot from those days. I kept playing music part-time to buy food. I would never expect anyone to pay me for my mistakes, nor feel sorry for my lack of ambition in education. It was good in that, I had no desire to work for anyone else, least of all a government job, or a job in a large corporation. Mom and pop industries only pay mom and pop and their kids, so that was out too.

    Later on I realized that there were very few people around who knew how to repair and service my saxophone. I also realized that I was mechanically inclined and knew how to play most wind instruments. My career path was obvious. I was saved. 

    A large part of my eventual success in life was that I stayed OUT OF DEBT, and maintained a good positive attitude. I was lucky enough to have been born in a free prosperous country and that’s all that mattered …. the rest was up to me. I didn’t need a lot of material stuff. It was what I did that made me happy, not what I had. 

    When I finally started making money I didn’t go nuts and spend it …. I just retired last month with enough savings and investments to enjoy my remaining time.

    Life is not a guaranteed great job and a large income, it is an adventure. Too bad those dullards in Occupy movement may never know the true joy just living your own life without the approval or participation of others. If they did, they wouldn’t have time for what they are doing right now.

    For me, the next phase of my adventure is just beginning. I know the world is in disarray at this time, but I only need to make my little corner of it a pleasant place to be. And it is.

  • http://twitter.com/Alice_H Alice_H

    In all fairness, ‘Vogue’ and ‘or’ are on separate lines on the hand-printed screed. That doesn’t excuse everything else, though, including the pink highlighter accents that don’t really work with the rest of the picture composition.

  • sacatlady

    I got my degree in the early eighties. Back then you didn’t think about what degree would be “most fulfilling”, but what would get you the highest paying job that you could do. My direct supervisor on my first job called me “doll baby”!  These punks today have NO CLUE was sexual harassment is! I worked my tail off, married a total slacker, and ended up being a single mother. So what, that was my mistake so I dug in, worked two jobs and paid off all the debt accumulated during my twenties. Now I am in my fifties, remarried to a wonderful man, with a fine son and daughter. Guess what? When my son flunked out of his first year of college, we told him to get a job and pay rent, or get out!  Now he is working six days a week and putting himself through technical school. We aren’t rich but we work hard and feel blessed. Screw you OWS, you are a bunch of selfish self centered babies who have no clue! 

    Whew! Had to get that off my chest. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-West/100000403288778 John West

    Good story and good on you ….. you are my kinda woman. My wife is a worker bee and a responsible type too. We both worked hard and keep an eye on things. We too are blessed. We both retire this year. Oh ya …. our retirement is largely funded by out own savings and investments.

  • tsotha

    Awe, come on.  Some of these have to be satire… don’t they?

  • another_engineer

     By the simple fact universities/colleges even offer these worthless degrees is yet another reason for my absolute disgust with our educational system. Even if you decided to get a worthwhile degree in Engineering, business, math etc. etc.  You have to take a ton of worthless classes.

    - Foreign literature, some sort of “arts” class, some sort of diversity class…

    It all goes towards what I have  dubbed  “the university industrial complex” for years.

  • Adam Valencic

    I have an M.A. in Comparative Literature.  When I began my studies, I knew that this wasn’t going to be a high paying field – nor did I care.    I wanted to teach literature.  I believe the humanities are important to study.  At the time I started, the economy was stable enough to make this goal feasible.  I would not make the same choice now, given the state of the economy.  However, I worked through school and have manageable debt.  I work now in education.  I don’t mind people who study the ‘soft’ degrees so long as they understand exactly what it is they are getting into.  Going deep into debt for a degree gives an education but no vocation is ridiculous.

    I have no problem with Women’s Studies, Anthropology, Art History, etc.  I do have a problem with those who expect these degrees to come with high-paying jobs on a silver platter.

  • Dustoff

    Man how I know that one…. Jezzzzzzzzzzzzz.  )-:

  • Dustoff

    HAHAHAHAHA………. OMG it is her!  

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wayne-Blackburn/1268134604 Wayne Blackburn

    A “Digital Marketer” is probably a fancy term for someone who sells website ads.

  • http://www.facebook.com/daniel.g.kemp Dan Kemp

     I ain’t lying, I’d hit it. I’ve definitely gone home with worse.

  • epobirs

    Oh, I’m aware of the term’s intended meaning. I just hold it in contempt. It was a symptom of the dot.bomb bubble to pretend that this was something entirely new and not just some permutation of what already existed. So everybody had to create a new job title for themselves. It was this ‘New Economy’ nonsense, a hoax really, that allowed the bubble to get so large. This in turn helped feed the real estate bubble. Alan Greenspan, who once understood the consequences of meddling, thought it a good idea to encourage a housing bubble rather than allow the repercussions of the Internet bubble to play themselves out a decade ago. As a result, combined with other really bad policies regarding housing and government meddling, we got a far bigger bubble with vastly more destructive effects when it burst.

    Try to explain this to the average OWS ninny, and why the Tea Party was calling for less government rather than more. Try to get them to discern the difference between a handout and prosperity, and why something given from the government is never truly free if you are an honest person.

  • epobirs

    Too bad she has a problem with smiling. It’s an important feature in her chosen ‘feild.’