Human Events Blog

Iranian Sorcery Crisis Intensifies

 

The wave of supernatural attacks against key figures in the Iranian government is intensifying.  The ayatollahs recently had several associates of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad arrested and charged with “being magicians and invoking djinn,” according to a report in the UK Guardian.  One of these malevolent sorcerers was described as “a man with special skills in metaphysics and connections with the unknown worlds.”  He reportedly promised that, if elected to high office, he could make the ocean levels recede.  Or maybe I’m confusing him with someone else.

At any rate, this cabal of sorcerers apparently put a hex on Ahmadinejad, which explains why he’s engaged in a power struggle with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.  As quoted in the UK Telegraph, another ayatollah, Mohammad-Taqi Mesbah-Yazdi, says he is “more than 90 percent certain that he has been put under a spell.”

I pulled out my old Dungeons & Dragons books to verify Yazdi’s claim, and found he is in error.  According to the saving throw tables, a 9th-level Halfling terrorist has a 30% chance to resist mind control magic, so it’s actually only 70 percent certain that Ahmadinejad has been put under a spell.

“This is not natural at all,” added Yazdi.  “No sane person does such things unless his free will has been taken away.”  Iran is widely known as a land where free will normally flourishes, so it’s pretty obvious when someone has been taken over by evil spirits.

Hopefully the Iranian religious police will now turn their efforts to tracking down the sorcerer who summoned the huge horde of Palestinians that attacked the Israeli border over the weekend.

 

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