Why Charlie Sheen Should Run for President
A-list actor-turned-professional #winner Charlie Sheen, and his tiger blood-fueled marketing, have sent Tony the Tiger bawling into his Frosted Flakes. Since he was booted off his CBS sitcom “Two And A Half Men,” he has launched a nationwide live tour, a clothing and merchandise line, and a musical collaboration with Snoop Dogg. The Hollywood multimillionaire also cannonballed into the social media cesspool by unleashing full-frontal promotion on the FaceBook and the Twitter bird, both which now direct you to his newly minted website.
Who knew that Sheen had so much to say, and that he was so severely encumbered by the time and contract commitments of employment from which he is now completely unshackled? Finally, Charlie Sheen is now free to unleash his polemic brilliance on the world. You know who else can relate to that? Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, and every other 2012 presidential possibility who has chewed through his or her harness—and also Donald Trump, who never had one to begin with.
The smartest thing Charlie Sheen could do at this point is announce a possible presidential run. As with all the people mentioned above, it ought to, at least in theory, land him a contributor gig with Fox News. Donald Trump just parlayed his musing about a possible candidacy into one, and he’s libertarian. Charlie’s liberal views would bring significant balance to the network. And how bigoted would it look if FOX refused to offer a him contributor contract when they’ve offered one to every other presidential hopeful not burdened by 9-to-5 employment? Sheen’s unidirectional online rants leave little doubt as to his capacity to go tongue-to-tongue with an opponent as though he were deaf.
A presidential run, or even musing about one—as many potential and former candidates already know—expands a person’s career horizons. And never has there been a better time to give it a go: The field is so empty, even as the primaries are scheduled to begin, that both parties and networks have to be desperate for some bodies to place over the X’s on the floor behind the podiums up on that debate stage.
Here are 10 more reasons why Charlie Sheen would be great for a presidential run, and vice versa:
1) He doesn’t have to win. Only one guy in the race ever does. The rest are just filler—socks stuffed down the front of Uncle Sam’s undies in the interest of democratic window-dressing. And the more entertaining that filler is during the next year, the better off we’ll all be.
2) He’s an example of how someone can turn his life around, going from a millionaire junkie to millionaire contender for the position of Leader of the Free World. America loves a good tale of redemption—even if he would risk being the only President in American history required to have weekly pee test results published in the Washington Post.
3) There will be no blow or hooker scandals with Sheen. Scandals are the result of someone doing something shocking, and no one would be shocked by anything Sheen did. His tiger blood is fully inoculated against scandal.
4) He’ll pay his interns. As proof, he already made the Twitter bird sing a call for a paid social media intern. Regardless of the party he would choose to represent, he would uphold the capitalist premise of productivity-for-compensation—something from which his opponents and most of Washington could learn.
5) He hasn’t shot animals from a plane, or killed anything while on a hunting trip, but has been accused by an ex-wife this week of being responsible for a pug keeling over from malnutrition.
6) Bill Clinton would be able to dust himself off and get out on the campaign trail again as the official “goddess wrangler.”
7) Sheen’s ability to maintain any kind of financial stability while purchasing new Hollywood mansions and maintaining the call girl and blow faucet at full-blast is nothing short of the kind of economic magic America needs in this time of uncertainty. Every single surviving Fed chairman is punching his gonads in envy.
8) Sheen and the other candidates in the presidential race could use each other as mutual ego crutches. Sheen’s thirst for attention would be more than adequately satisfied by a candidacy, which would keep him from compensating with “comfort drugs”—and the rest of the narcissists in the race would bask in the bright light of the Charlie Sheen halo effect.
9) He irks the confused Communists who take issue with his life as they perceive it in his TV show compared with that of his dad, Martin Sheen. Hao Leifeng of China’s Communist newspaper Global Times says: “Sheen goes on television and boasts that he has two girlfriends, who both sleep in the same bedroom. Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses? He ignored his own father’s advice to keep quiet, who was once the President of the US. Sheen is a disgrace to his father and his fatherland.”
10) He doesn’t need the job. And that has to be the best possible qualification for anyone running for President.