Politics

No Really Hot Chick is Illegal

It’s a rare day when I find myself agreeing with a liberal Democrat from New York, but today that’s exactly what is happening.  I’m just worried that his plan to open the borders to truly deserving immigrants may not go far enough.

That’s because Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y ., 9th) has proposed issuing special H1b visas to allow 1000 additional foreign fashion models into the country. 

Importing millions of unlawful, uninsured, unskilled serfs merely to serve as a discount servant class for corrupt businesses (i.e. our current system of immigration) has never made any sense to the average American.  Most people believe that the number of immigrants who enter our homeland each year (after asking permission, of course) should be determined by the American people, and that priority should go to admitting those applicants who clearly benefit this country in some important way.

If really attractive women don’t fall into this category, then, dang it, no one does!  I say put a miniskirt on Lady Liberty and wave these fashionable future Americans into the land of the free. 

Anthony “Randy Andy” Weiner may be a wiener, and he may be thinking with his… uh, penchant for dating models in mind.  But regardless, I fully support this idea. Heck, I think this proposal could even have Tom Tancredo’s support.

But why stop at just 1000 models?  America must leave no babe behind. 

This is a national security issue, if you think about it.  Many countries already have highly skewed sex ratios in favor of boys, due to sex-selective abortions (some occurring in the fourth trimester), so let’s make our rivals’ problems even worse by taking the best of their females that actually escape the womb. 

Once there’s an excess of girls in the US – really, really hot girls — the California Supreme Court is sure to legalize polygamy – then BAM!  Our falling birthrate crisis is cured.  No longer will households of childbearing age have to choose between a wife earning a second income or being a stay at home mom – not when there’s a wife to do each.  That’s the beauty of the “Weiner-Johnson” plan for a future of polygamy with surplus fashion models – cooperative childcare is built right in.  It’s a “sisters helping sisters” style of feminism, really.  I like this idea more and more.

I do have reservations, though, about the term “fashion models” being in the language of the legislation.  They tend to be a bit boney.  So I propose that we replace such a discriminatory term with the more inclusive language, “underwear models.” 

Also, I worry that any large new visa program might be abused by ugly people who want to get into this country just to work — or do something ugly, like peddle roadside agua fresca in a sweaty muumuu and pair of beat-up super-wide chonklas.  So there will need to be a rigid quality control process established, one that must not be hijacked by special interests (the last thing we need is a foot fetish lobby skewing the program toward shoe models of questionable overall attractiveness).

I propose that we achieve the needed quality assurance via a new reality television show called “America’s Next Top Model Allowed Into The Country”.  Then the American public could screen applicants vying to increase America’s hotness factor in a program that combines all the viewer involvement of “American Idol” with the all the seriousness of “Miss Universe”.  We could even throw in an element from “Survivor,” and each night also vote one unattractive person out of the country.

“To vote for Svet-Olga to come to America, text ‘111’ to 1-900-INTO-USA. To select Juanita, text ‘222’.  To vote for Yi-Ling, text ‘333’.  Also, the results of last night’s tribal council are in and, Rep. Waxman, you have to leave the country.  Sorry, but we gotta make room.”

Now that’s a hit show and a sound foreign policy all in one.  A new age of bipartisan immigration enforcement could be dawning.  Hey, speaking of bipartisans, I do worry that some of the folks applying to enter might be “male” models and that this will not benefit Anthony and me… uh , I mean “America.”  Weiner’s idea is all about America’s needs, don’t forget.

But as long as we put the selection show on TV opposite “Dancing with The Stars,” we should be OK.

I foresee a mass swearing-in of new citizens at a future Victoria’s Secret runway show.

The term “Ugly American” is probably doomed.

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